Ted 2 Exclusive Feature: The Best Ever Ted Quotes!

Everybody loves a rude, outrageous film character that we can quote to no end.  It’s just not every day they turn out to be a grown-up teddy bear.  Seth MacFarlane’s hit film series has just that; a foul-mouthed, pot-addicted teddy bear who says whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  Spoiler alert – we love him for it.  As we celebrate the release of Ted 2 on Blu-ray and DVD on November 23rd, we’ve made a list the best quotes from the bear himself that have both shocked us and made us laugh in equal measure.

 “Back off Susan Boyle!”

When Ted is kidnapped by obsessed collector Donny (A hilariously bizarre turn from Giovanni Ribisi) it’s up to John (Mark Wahlberg) and his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) to save him.  To make matters worse Donny’s brought his creepy kid Robert along with him to play with Ted, and Robert does not play nice.  When Donny is escaping with Ted in a high-speed car chase, Ted manages to hop between Donny’s car and John’s car in a bid to escape.  As Robert pins Ted down he utters this epic line – as soon as you see Robert’s face, this makes perfect sense!

“You ever seen any movie ever? He’s the black guy.”

In the sequel Ted is on a mission to be declared human by a court of law, so that he and his girlfriend Tami-Lynn can have children.  With John helping him along the way they come across lawyer Samantha (Amanda Seyfried), whose name happens to be Samantha Leslie Jackson – or Sam L. Jackson for short.  John and Ted can’t let this hilarious coincidence slide, but Samantha doesn’t know who Samuel L. Jackson is!  Allow Ted to explain in terms everyone can understand.

“Somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!”

As I’m sure you know by now, Ted likes to party.  A lot.  So much, in fact, that he tends to bring the party home – much to the annoyance of John’s girlfriend Lori.  When she walks in on him partying with four beautiful women (“they’re hookers so it’s fine”) he delivers this classic line that pretty much sums up Ted’s lifestyle – all the hookers, all of the time.  Keep up the good work, Ted!

“There are no chicks with dicks, only guys with tits!”

Ted knows where the line is when it comes to porn.  After stumbling upon John’s slightly-too-organised porn stash on his computer (“clockwise r****b, counter-clockwise r****b?!”) Ted finds a folder that John probably wishes had stayed hidden: Chicks with Dicks.  No one other than Ted was going to have the final say on what is acceptable: “There are no chicks with d**ks John, only men with t**s!”  FYI John: when a teddy bear needs to tell you how much is too much porn, you might have a problem.

“Hashtag Grrr Mondays!”

When your best friend is doing you a huge favour, you probably shouldn’t post his embarrassing moments on Facebook.  That rule doubly applies when the favour is donating sperm so you and your wife can have a child, and the embarrassing moment is they trip and fall under a shelf full on semen samples.  But guess what?  Ted isn’t fazed by that.  While John is struggling to get free off the shelf of sperm (“It’s in my eyes, I’m blinking it in!”) Ted can’t help himself and posts a quick pic, with the caption #GrrrMondays.  I wish I could say we’ve all been there, John!

“Still a better singer than Katy Perry!”

Desperate to get back together with Lori, John crashes her date with her arrogant boss Rex (Joel McHale) in an ill-fated attempt to serenade her through song.  Only problem is, John is crashing a Norah Jones concert, and he can’t sing.  It’s one of the cringier moments of the Ted series, with poor John singing his heart out for Lori’s affections – although it literally sounds like his heart is being ripped out of his body.  But as Ted expertly puts it, “Still a better singer than Katy Perry”!

“We were playing truth or dare, and Sherene’s pretty ballsy.”

Most people would say ‘It’s not a house party until someone throws up’.  Ted would probably say ‘It’s not a house party until someone takes a s**t on the floor’.  Poor Lori has had enough of Ted’s wild lifestyle, and the breaking point is when she finds a random s**t on her floor, from one of Ted’s party hookers.  Bonus points for Ted brilliantly trying to spin the situation for Lori: “Or, or…is the floor on the s**t?”

“I’m gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.”

Trying to be proven a human in a court of law is proving to be a challenge for poor Ted.  The last thing he wants is a young, inexperienced lawyer, which is exactly who he thinks he’s getting when he meets Samantha.  As he so brilliantly puts it, “I just don’t want my lawyer singing Frozen songs during the opening argument”.  However this all changes when out of nowhere she takes a bong hit!  She assures them it’s because she gets migraines.  Ted can relate.


Ted 2 is released on Blu-ray and DVD on November 23rd.


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